|"It's a dirty business."
||[May. 9th, 2005|09:30 am]
|||||Minimal Mix - Wally C.||]|
"24," AKA "The Kiefer Sutherland Money-Makin' Machine," revealed one hell of a plot twist last week.
Bauer, pressed for time, invaded the Chinese embassy to kidnap one of their citizens connected in the terrorist plot.
The Chinese guards returned fire, and they wounded the citizen and managed to kill one of their own dignitaries.
The Chinese government . . . pissed off. They suspect the United States. There are no threats yet, but it's possible that they could declare war.
This one's on President Palmer's hands. You might recognize the guy from the All-State commercials . . . that's Palmer (Dennis Haysbert). He was called in by the Veep-turned-Prez who turns out not to be a very good leader in times of crisis.
Millions of Chinese Soldiers . . . invasion.
So . . . let's say you're the President.
The Chinese government declares war on the United States.
An invasion looms in the near future.
The Chinese Are Coming!
Nuke 'Em All. " . . . We'll meet again . . . "
Superior technology makes a fair fight. Repel. Invade. Quell. Police.
Hold the Alamo. Recruit local fundamentalists. Start guerilla overthrow from their inside.
Millions of Chinese?!? Resistance is futile. Wait for help. Sabotage.
As an extra option, you can consult Mister T.
Don't forget . . .
"The A-Team" had a seriously high success rate.
They also had a seriously low casualty rate . . . despite blowing up a lot of shit.
Note: If you consult Mister T, the scenario changes a bit.
Mister T is now a highly-paid consultant for the government.
Once, the government hunted him. Now, he's a friend. Governments do this a lot.
Luckily, he's not too far away . . . chillin' at the Pentagon.
Don't forget, he won't fly.
He's a bit older and crazier now. After all, they fought in 'Nam.
He's pretty useful for advice. However . . .
If you consult him, then the time taken allows China to secure California.
Each consultation moves the Chinese closer to the White House.
Time's a'waistin,' sucka!
2005-05-09 01:40 pm (UTC)
Mister T's a little unpredictable.
His responses might take longer than expected.
He's pretty friendly, so long as you play it cool.
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like James Brown?
Anyway, while I'm thinkin,' the report came in . . . they landed at Venice Beach . . . the rollee-skaters and surfers never knew what hit'em.
That settles the Michael Jackson trial!
You could try to hold 'em off with Sean Penn. He's lurking around, somewhere. We'd tell him they're paparazzi.
Also, there's that Area 51. If you were ever going to use that alien technology, now's the time.
They cracked the language of the aliens a while back. The pilots had most of the buttons figured out . . .
Of the five working craft, two attacked carriers off the coast. Three defended and patrolled the state.
Those ships had a cloaking device, which was pretty darn cool to go sneakin' up on the carriers. The laser guns worked well, sinking a handful of large water craft before the remaining Chinese got lucky and blew them up by following their laser beams.
The other three . . .
Who knew them things needed recharging!
One of the ships crashed into the Hollywood sign, causing a widespread vaporization of most of the LA valley. So much for Hollywood!
A couple of the aliens captive in the base sent you a message . . . "Told you so."
You successfully defended the United States, and you only lost about 20 million people!
That'll teach the Chinese a lesson. Heh.
We'll blame the alien attack on . . . them.
Meanwhile, they've retreated for now. Well done!
2005-05-09 02:38 pm (UTC)
Ahnee-Noo-Hannehb-Mub . . .
is the thing to say to the couple of living captives of Area 51.
One of the guards opened up the cells so the interpreters could deliver the thank-you, face-to-face.
What they didn't know was that the aliens were allergic to cotton. Their sneezes are like knock-out liquid. The interpreters fell to the floor. They'll be okay in about a couple days.
So will the guards. The aliens kept sneezing, and they escaped.
It turns out they're sneaky dudes, too. They grabbed a couple proto-type shape-shifting devices on the way out . . .
Rumor has it they really like "Quantum Leap."
Be on the lookout for people who look like Scott Bakula!
I can't vote against Che Chihuahua, viva la revolución!
I'd be on the first plane to Mexico, trust that.
That icon was swiped from a scan of part of their promotion for their new Gorditas back in 1998 or so.
When they had the talking Chihuahua, they did all sorts of revolution-themed advertising. One of them was this . . . the talking dog with the beret.
2005-05-10 04:06 am (UTC)
Results of Funding Inner Chinese Turmoil.
In a massive wave of funding, the People's Movement for Capitalist China receives the little gadgets and weapons they need to start a grass-roots movement from within.
While the United States holds the Chinese March in a Red Dawn-like style, the PMCC Fundamentalists take solace in fighting dirty pool by night, and hiding by day.
Their source of inspiration . . . Che Chihuahua.
Millions of the little plush dogs start turning up in the Chinese black market. Amid the uprisings around the provinces, the Chinese government orders that the little dog is banned in all forms, including speech.
Vocal leaders become seized and imprisoned. Their trials and executions on government-run television, coupled with Radio-Free China, continue to build unpopularity with the authoritarian stance against capitalism. The fundamentalists continue their fight, and in three years, despite great casualties on both sides, the PMCC not only convinces the Chinese army to abandon, but many of the former soldiers take up side with the rebels.
In a stunning day, known as Viva Gordita Day, the PMCC surrounds and conquers Beijing.
Stressed at home by the civil war, the Chinese are slowly repelled and driven back by the Americans.
Two weeks after the fall of Beijing, the last of the Chinese are pushed off the mainland.
You would think this is a victory for the United States.
Yet, with their new-found love for free economy, the Chinese begin the rebuilding process in the United States by flooding the market with low-priced vehicles and equipment. The Americans, beleagured by a war on their soil, have no choice but to buy the Chinese products, which are far more affordable.
By 2027, China is responsible for 15% of the GNP in the US. They become the world's greatest nation by sheer population size and affinity for the little talking dog who could.
Who knew Taco Bell would change the world?