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Oh, Peter, You've Crossed Spam Races AND the Space Time Continuum. [Jan. 19th, 2006|11:00 am]
[Tags|, , ]
[In the Moment |THE FUTURE]
[Special Music |Van Halen - Eruption]

Well, I haven't had a decent smile from spam in some time.

This one, however, appeared before my eyes, and here it was:

Oh, how one would love to receive war spoils.

From: "peter chang" (peterchang3013@msn.com)
Subject: hello
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 22:51:43 +0000

Standard Chartered Bank
Haikou Branch [FC]
Rm 1202, Haikou Int'l
Comm Ctr, 38 Datong Lu

Let me start by introducing myself I am Mr.Peter chang credit officer of the Standard Chartered Bank Haikou Branch Ltd. I have a concealed business suggestion for you. Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client General. Ibrahim Moussa who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Twenty millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war early this year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that the General and his family had been killed during the war in bomb blast that hit their home. After further investigation it was also discovered that Gen. Ibrahim Moussa did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, Twenty millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it.What bothers me most is that according to the to the laws of my country at the expiration three years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Gen. Ibrahim Moussa so that you will be able to receive his funds.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE: I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Gen.Ibrahim Moussa,all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job.After you have been made the next of kin, the ttorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds. There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferreD, we shall share in the ratio of 70% for me, 25% for you and 5% for any expenses incurred during the course of this peration. Should you be interested please send me your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication,please reply to my private email box{peterchann@fsmail.net} and i will provide you with more details of this operation.Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards

Peter chang

My response:

From: "sauce1977 - Agent #2006"
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 2006 07:25:38 -0800 (PST)

Doctor Emmitt Brown Enterprises, Inc.
Hill Valley Branch
1646 Riverside Drive
Hill Valley, California 95420


Foolish mortal, indeed, you have created a mess far beyond your powers of perception.

I do not know this general, but his fortunes held a far greater purpose than your pure profit motive.

Your English is atrocious!

Your instructions are as follows:

1. Forget the untouched funds in the account.

2. You are to travel to Hill Valley, California.

3. Find an English-speaking girl.

4. There is a dance at the high school on Saturday Night.

Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.  Be there or be square.

5. Take her there.

6. Kiss for the first time on the dance floor.

7. Date and wed her.

If you do not complete this mission, then you will have destroyed your future!

You must make her fall in love with you, and if you do not kiss her on the dance floor on this next Saturday night, then you will destroy your successful future as a personal marketing maverick! This girl will type out your messages and proofread them for you, thus allowing for your financial riches in the following years!

Everything in your life revolves around this kiss on the dance floor. You must make it happen for the future of mankind.

The war spoils that you refer are destined for the Annanaki in the later part of the 21st Century to buy Aquafina to help power their ships to cultivate another solar system!

If they do not find the funds in the account, then they will dissolve you and approximately five million other people in the Hong Kong area!

You do not want to make the Annanaki resort to deriving water out of people, as it creates massive panic in the world community!

The entire space time continuum could be disrupted, if you do not do what I say!

If you are Peter Chann, then please disregard this message.

I leave you with a Haiku:

Spam so thick and moist
How can it know its future
I know it too well

Post haste,

AGENT #2006

If only the sender could understand English well enough to read my instructions.


From: zboson
2006-01-19 05:09 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahaha, you rock. The haiku is the perfect touch.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2006-01-19 05:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

There is some sort of branch of some sort of bank in China by that name, but the haiku, well, I couldn't resist.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: allyaneedisrick
2006-01-19 05:32 pm (UTC)
i love you in a plutonic way dude. You are the coolest person EVER! rock on!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2006-01-19 05:54 pm (UTC)

Thank you.

Hopefully, Peter can travel with some style.

Unveil the Time Machine.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ellie
2006-01-19 07:55 pm (UTC)
I wish I had a sense of humor. I find the outright mockery of the Annanaki distasteful. Everyone knows they will need Disani water, not Aquafina. The devil is in the details.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2006-01-19 08:02 pm (UTC)

The Master Cat Controller Tells Otherwise.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ellie
2006-01-19 11:30 pm (UTC)

Re: The Master Cat Controller Tells Otherwise.

I've been sitting here at work all day and the more and more I look at that cat, the more absolutely adorable it is.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2006-01-20 02:07 am (UTC)

In Russia, Master Cat Controller Adores You.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ellie
2006-01-19 11:46 pm (UTC)

Re: The Master Cat Controller Tells Otherwise.

Okay, where did you find a picture of this cat? I want to kidnap it and make it my own.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2006-01-20 02:05 am (UTC)

Re: The Master Cat Controller Tells Otherwise.

You will have to travel to Russia.

Search Google Image "weird eyes" to find it on the 1st return (how I found it).
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: jackwilson
2006-01-20 03:21 pm (UTC)
you are very thorough in all that you do
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2006-01-20 03:23 pm (UTC)
I'm a monster like that.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)