Sauce1977 (sauce1977) wrote,

Things I Learned - 2007 NBA Draft

1. Michael Jordan does not know what he's doing.

J-Rich to Charlotte? Really? Was it the number 23 and the fancy dunks? Way to get all sentimental for the 1990s, Mike. If I could be like Mike, I would get insanely rich playing a kid's game, then lose my damn mind when I joined the ranks of the front office.

At this point, I see Mike Jordan, in a bunker in Charlotte, sometime this summer, playing this draft over and over on a big screen, on a desk, a bag of coke, automatic weapons everywhere, and while he's riding some delusional and chemical high, on the security cams, the audience can see thousands of Charlotte-ites running up to his place to take out his entire crew. Then Mike Jordan is nearly assaulted by a sugar-freaked Adam Morrison who starts throwing needles at him, asking him to sleep with him before one of the Charlotte-ites shoots him dead and alerts Mike to the impending assault. And then Mike goes out in a blaze of glory.

2. Chris Mullin does not know what he's doing.

Golden State fans think there's another move coming in wake of losing J-Rich. I wouldn't wait for that to happen. Then again, I wouldn't wait around 13-20 years until the next playoff run, either. I'm not a "good fan," or something. Whatever, you fools. These are businesses that operate a child's game. Key word: Business.

GS kind of had an advantage of having two strong guards who could run wild out there over most perimeter defenses. It's their front line that's kind of weak. Also, their defense in general's kind of weak, but their perimeter is pretty solid. Well, it was. Did they really need the kid they snagged from Charlotte?

Chris Mullin said himself that the deal materialized out of nowhere. Does Chris just say "yes" to whatever crazy deal Mike Jordan calls him up with? I can't figure this one out if only because it really doesn't help GS to get rid of J-Rich. There's no guarantee on this Brandan Wright kid. 6'10, 200 lbs., a power forward. That adds to the pack of kids they already got up there. Defense? Not much post defense with a kid who's only five to ten pounds heavier than I am, but about 9 inches taller than me. I probably got a better post presence. Their other name was that Marco Belinelli kid that played for a Bologna team (literally and figuratively) in the Genoa Salami section of world basketball. That kid was also selected as a major stretch at 18. I was thinking late first round, better off 2nd round for Belinelli. Good job, Mullin. Actually, in a handful of minutes I had way more fun watching this than trying to break down the genius of moves that the Warriors have made in the years you've been a GM. So screw that, screw you, and I'm moving along now.

3. You thought you were going to get more insight? Why bother any further than a quick recap of nonsense?

Great prospects at the top of this ditty . . . and they all go weird places and don't really fit all that well.

Milwaukee drafts the Chinese guy who refused to play for them? Smooth move, Bucks.

Detroit currently has five shooting guards. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them are gone by November, but then again, if they're all there by November, I'm not surprised, either. Sorry, Joe Dumars. The last three years haven't been all that great for deals. Don't blame me for the second guess.

I could care less about the NY - Portland deal that sent Francis and Randolph cross-continent. That's sideways, not upward for either team. The Oden draft's a no-brainer. Maybe they win a few more games. I wouldn't bet on that.

I can see Portland making even more deals than the 50 million they made during this draft. More trades they'll make, oh yes, because it's fun, of course, right up until the NBA forces them to stop collecting more guys by paring down the roster to 15, but not before they pay all the ones left over that they'll have to cut.

New Jersey takes Sean Williams. I know NJ's desperate for talented big men, but they shouldn't be crazy about a guy who got kicked off Boston College's club because he was too much of a problem. Try investing a little in those little dips available at the end of the draft, for once. It beats taking a guy who probably needs ten years of maturity from therapy before he could handle playing in the big leagues without 15 handlers praying he doesn't stop to tie his shoes and commit some sort of calamity.

Sacramento takes Spencer Hawes. Apparently, Sacto thinks drafting the Next Brad Miller's a great formula for success. It's netted zero championships. Good luck with Spencer.

Does it matter what Boston did? You tell me how many games they'll win next year.

After reading Hollinger's mathy-math and listening to the overwhelming fluff jibbered about every one of these kids, right down to the clear nobodies for most of the 2nd round of this draft, I figured right about the over-swell of hype.

It was fun watching Dick Vitale and Stephen A. Smith have a tasteful-ish mini-huff-off about which draft between '03 and '07 was more loaded. Does it really matter? No, but they were funny.

Then, Dickie V stayed on for two cents here and there until he threw around some papers later after taking a pep pill, and ESPN all but told him to go away until college basketball begins before he signed off.

Chicago gets a matching bookend to Ben Wallace in Joakim Noah? Joakim can trump Ben's afro. They got like 8 of him along their front line, the all-D-no-O types. Chicago still has no big man who can score. Maybe Paxson can get Tyrus Thomas and the rest of their 8 big men defensive specialists to grow afros. Nothing beats a lack of clear vision of the basket than a bunch of tall men standing in the way, blocking the sight with big hair.

James0n Curry. Whether you spell it with an O or a zero, it's still odd. Which brings me to an idea I've got just in the last 2-3 hours . . .

My Heidi and I are moving to rural China. We're going to have a boy. I'll name him "ASDF JKL;" - it will be pronounced "aaayyesssdeeeffffSPACEjaaaykaaayyyeell SEMI-KO-LOHHHHHHNN." Nickname? "Home Row."

I'm going to inject him with growth hormones until he's like 8 feet tall and 350 lbs. at age ten. He'll be doing nothing but basketball. No reading. No writing. Basic grunts to tell us when he's hungry. I'll slaughter another yak for his dinner.

At first chance, Home Row will play in whatever rural Chinese basketball league there is. I will tape his first bringing-down-of-rim on a super-8 camera. Then, I'll send it to the NBA's NYC home office, of course, which will probably get the grainy reel passed around to the league of clubs and their scouts, and to ESPN, of course.

Literally, by the time the kid is 16, Stern or his successor will probably lift the age limit for this kid. He'll be drafted first overall in whatever draft. Then the shoe deal will make all of my family billionaires three times over.

You should all do the same.

4. I didn't care for the outcome of this draft to comment further.

Tags: 2007 nba draft, general manager madness, home row, nbaaaeeertaaarrrded
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