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Resident Evil 5 (2009), and a Little Rant. [Apr. 29th, 2012|03:30 am]
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[Current Location |The Perfect Drug, 'Merica.]
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LiveJournal is dead, and I don't care.

Life is a spoiler, and I don't feel like censoring all of those moments in this post.

So I've never owned a Sony video game system. That might come as a shock to some people in the gaming community, seeing as PS1 and PS2 were kind of a big deal. But I don't have a Facebook page either, so fuck all comers with their logics and science.

There was a pretty big deal back in the day called Resident Evil. I only knew of it, and I never got to playing it, seeing that it was on the PS1, and the times I remember the early REs were at friends' houses where they had one of those machines. It was a nice lil' game universe at a time when games on compact discs were like whoa, and zombies were making a comeback in a big way.

Cut to 2012. Resident Evil doesn't even use zombies anymore. I learned this while playing Resident Evil 5 on my PC (hooray Steam!). They're called Majini, duh, and they're infected with a parasite, not killed and reanimated cuz of it. Not zombies, nuh uh.

I came to a realization about a couple years ago, probably when every fucking game and its brother was tacking on zombies to its core game, that zombies are super fucking played out. They have beaten that shit to death, and it's sad because zombies as a whole topic of discussion are a majestic realm filled with myriad connotations and infinite possibilities, much like unicorns and UFOs.

Don't get me wrong. I thought Shaun of the Dead was fucking amazing. Ditto the American version, Zombieland. There's always room for another good fuckin' story. Like vampires are about to become, however, if you so much as just trot out basic zombies in a cool story, bro, it's gonna be like watching Bub the Zombie jump a shark.

This means you, Red Dead Redemption and friends.

So it came as a huge surprise to me the other night, as I was talkin' to my esteemed internet associate, Doktor Dadxer, about a new learnz about Resident Evil. He was telling me how I know how old people are, and how they become attached to things, like game and novel canon. So as I was playing Resident Evil 5, and learning more about the backstory of that gaming universe, he blew my mind when he told me that Resident Evil movies, featuring Alice (Milla Jovovich), had very little basis in the RE mythology because they done just fucking made up her whole damn character for the films.

Now that I'm more familiar, I think Alice is kind of an amalgam of the various protagonists in the games. With superduperpowers. But as I was more accepting of at least the first Resident Evil film, Dadxer was having none of it. So I leveled up with his help and we came to an amazing understanding on how it's really really really hard to ever fucking do novel or gaming worlds justice unless you happen to be a genius or a really really really shrewd capitalist.

Usually, Hollywood puts Jean Claude Van Damme in an adaptation of a fighting game as an American and they call it Steet Fighter. Because Hollywood respects adaptation.

It's almost never even a Mortal Kombat, and there's no universe we understand that could ever allow a really really good version of Punch Out because we absolutely can not have nice things.

Okay, I can't lie to you. That's not really cutting to the game.

So I played Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. For a while.

You have to understand something about me. Fuck multiplayer, that's what. Fuck MMORPG, fuck WoW, fuck CoD, fuck Madden, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuh-fuck. The one game where I liked the multiplayer was GTA 4, and that's a multiplayer tack-on that only 20-25 forever alone trolls in the whole wide world loved, because it is griefing paradise.

Resident Evil 5, I had initially stayed away from, mostly because I was misinformed that the game was impossible without a pardner. So, this game pleased me muchly this year, as I finally dug into the whole of it. I found out that you totes don't really need any other human beings to get things done in the game. Plus! You got a good 30 hours or so going back and doing shit again to do it better and what not, for the thorough folk in the audience.

The story is as compacted and contrived as follows. You're Chris Redfield (or newcomer Sheva Alomar, if you beat the game it lets you character-select), and you're on a mission ... killin' Nazis zombies Majini. Really, what it is about is finding out what the fuck with all these Majini, then finding out who the fuck is fucking making these Majini, then stopping the Majini fucking masters.

It's a linear game, point A to B for most of the game. Chapter 4-2 was a much better try at what I kind of think they were going for, which was a bit of solve it however you want in whatever order. Chapter 3-1, however, is Choose Your Own Confusing Sandbar Adventure Wanna-be Sandbox Exploration Task for Humans Enjoy Mission.

Don't get me wrong though. I've got no beef with point A to B. I grew up with some great point A to B action. Just, you know, Chapter 3-1 is one shitty chapter which I got used to once I memorized where everything I needed was. I even grew to like 3-1, it was like having a pet cat give birth to baby kittens. There's always one runt of the litter that couldn't get any foods when the other animals edged him out for chow time. But then somehow over the months it grew to twice the size of all the other animal offspring and suddenly they were the runts. Tables turned, yo-ho, and then you have to find homes for all the bastards, pronto, because this one behemoth is eating you out of house and home.

Some people complained that the game was a bit racist. The British/Australian version of me played this game and critiqued it, and he did a fine job of handling that subject and digesting the game in full.

And I was having so much fun with this fun fun fun romp of a Nazi zombie Majini-killing game until I tried to beat the game on Professional Mode and it rendered itself next to impossible to doing that without a buddy on Level 5-3.

Motherfucking Albert Wesker and Evil Jill Valentine. The AI-partner just could not handle these two, and no matter what I did, Wesker or Valentine would kill the AI. For those that aren't familiar, Professional Mode is code for one hit kill. If you or your AI partner does not provide the other with a bit of health within 3 or so seconds after one gets hit, one dies, and you have to start over from the last checkpoint. No exceptions. And that happens a lot.

Given that getting hit by Wesker in 5-3 is really really bad in easier modes, it's a fucking insta-kill in Pro Mode. And your AI partner always seems to want to read what's on the sole of Wesker's boot the moment you try to run up the unlocked door's stairs to go hide.

After 50 or so attempts, my AI bot partner suddenly didn't die because for some insane reason, Wesker missed. So we were able to escape into the upstairs maze of corridors where you can hide from Wesker and try to sneak up on him and covert ops his shit.

Only my AI partner didn't do that. The fucking bot is programmed to 'handle' Evil Jill, who if you are beyond 10 feet from Evil Jill in range, she pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting like it's Fuck Wit Dre Day.

So here's what happened in-between every 50 times when my AI partner didn't get insta-pwned by Wesker. Bot goes to take on Jill. Sometimes the bot gets shot to death by Jill. Other times she restrains Jill, and Wesker comes along and insta-insta-killlllll! I never have time to get Wesker to fuck off, because the bot keeps dying and shit.

Am I missing something here? Because I tried nuking Jill with a rocket launcher but that just fails the mission like Evil Jill's my fucking partner still. Literally, it gives you the same dramatic fail screen complete with "Your Partner Died."

Update: After much strife, I finally beat 5-3 by myself. Literally, I beat it immediately following the completion of this screed. Because sometimes life begs you to complain about shit you should not complain about, then it trolls you by giving you what you whined about immediately afterward, and laughs at you for looking stupid. End Update

Anyway, this level 5-3 shit is not fucking fun at all. It was cool when it gave you room to get beat up a bit by the bosses, but on Pro Mode, it's a hell of a troll move. They went through a ton of careful engineering with the game, so it can be handled by just one live person for 99.9 percent of the game, only to pull the rug near the end of the fucking end-all-be-all of it with some shitty ass programming. And because I can't do Level 5-3 by myself on Pro Mode, I can not has cheezburger can't get a perfect 1k on RE 5.

As I might have mentioned before, I like achievements, and I'm kind of a fan of them, except when 12 year old kids bum rush Xbox Live parties and tell me my gamer score is shit because I'm a noob.

Child, if we had gamer scores from the dawn of games, I'm over a kerbillion, so don't tell me about your no-life like it's some kind of elite status. I was maxing out games before you were swimming around in jizz.

Otherwise, Resident Evil 5 is a neat game. You have to get used to the controls, and I'm initially confused by games where it's impossible to jump, but they never made jumping much of a necessity or even a good idea in their level designs, and on the off-hand chance there was some jumping activity, it was a dreaded Quick Time Event.

On QTEs ... I don't really hate them. But on my most impatient days, I have I'm-not-touching-you endurance, so maybe I'm not the best judge of what's fucking annoying with QTE. All I can say is RE 5 didn't overdo it. They integrated the mechanic well. In fact, QTE was never obtrusive. And of all the QTE moments, they really didn't make you do the whole goddamn game again, which I think is the point of aggravation that a lot of people seem to have with QTE. If you somehow fuck up RE 5's QTE, the worst thing that happens is you reload the QTE sequence. Or so I'm told, because I must be a fucking ninja at QTE because I never fucked up a QTE while I was playing RE 5.

Okay I lied. There's a part in 3-2 where you have to QTE to avoid being a big reptile's dinner, and they glitched an extra sequence in on me and it totally pwned my shit. They also fuck with you on more difficult settings by changing the buttons of the QTE and randomizing that shit, but it's never a situation where you have to suddenly press Y + Left Trigger + Triangle + Keyboard Ctrl + rub your dog's nipple in .5 seconds.

So yeah. Resident Evil 5 good. QTE bad, but not really. Fuck you, Chapter 5-3 in Professional Mode. Stop trampling on the RE universe, Hollywood. Tangents. Loose Themes. Links. And More Links.

Sorry for the rambling, LiveJournal, but you're dead and all so I'm sure you didn't mind.


[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2012-04-29 10:47 am (UTC)

More Update: How I Dood It: Level 5-3 Pro Mode Walkthrough.

It turns out that playing as Sheva seemingly makes the game easier on Professional mode. My successful 5-3 strategery (requires playing a bit to unlock infinite ammo and some extra weapons):

Start by giving Chris a buncha health and a gatling gun with infinite ammo (AI seems to be more terrible than usual at shooting with what should be a cheat-mode super gun). Kill everything with your infinite rocket launcher. Up close and dirty? Switch to the Model 500. For long distance and precision, go with the H&K PSG-1. Play through the level until you get to the rotating rising platform, and keep running around the circle to avoid enemy AI locking onto you. When you see them as you pass by on your sideways treadmill, pwn with the rocket launcher.

I'm assuming you died somewhere along the way, particularly at the point where you get to Wesker and Jill. Next screen where you get to switch out shit, swap Chris's gatling gun (he runs slower with it, speed and agility are more important at the end of the level) for a stun rod. Load him up with plenty of health.

As soon as Wesker and Jill are standing in front of you in the Monarch room, make a break for the locked door. Investigate the door. Wesker cut scene happens, when you skip through it the door will be unlocked. Before Wesker insta-pwns your dumb bot pal, fire off a rocket launcher round so he loses concentration. If you and your partner failed to die, then run run run with your pumped up kicks upstairs, into the maze. Keep calling to Chris with your "call" button, so he follows you closely and doesn't get any bright ideas. Make it all the way around the upstairs level, and come out on the other side on the balcony. If you're lucky, Wesker will still be babbling about whateverthefuck, and he will have just started heading up the stairs into the maze. Jill hopefully will be fucking lost and not shooting at you repeatedly. Jump down from the balcony, run across back to the door, and head up the stairs. If you're lucky, again, Wesker will still be in that long hallway, with his back turned to you. Shoot your rocket launcher. He should catch the round. Switch to any other gun and fire anywhere on his body. The rocket will explode.

Now, unload some magnum rounds on him. If you shoot him too much he will try to attack you. Quick Time Event! Hit the right dodge/counter button in the QTE, and that's that for Wesker. He bails on this fight, and you have a checkpoint with an upcoming battle with Jill.

Jill's still trigger happy if you get too far away from her. Let her run away downstairs to the main floor. Don't follow. You can semi-hide behind a nearby pillar and try sniping the target, which is a red-jeweled device on her sternum that is making her all bad girl. If you can't manage that, she may try shooting at you, but eventually Chris's crazy ex will come back to you, up close and personal. This is absolutely what you want to happen. The bonus here is, you do absolutely no "entreating" QTE with Jill. Chris the bot will automatically beg her to stop being a bitch. Eventually this will lead to her writhing in pain, and then Chris does the normal bot routine of restraining her for a shot.

I found that I'm fairly inaccurate with shooting the jewel, but as long as you shoot your magnum/sniper/non-rocket-launcher at the bare part of her chest surrounding the jewel, the game will count that as a direct hit on the jewel and not give her a big chest hole. You, as accomplished on 5-3 with lower difficulty levels, will have to get about six shots or so in on the jewel before Jill weakens enough for you to QTE pull that shit off her chest and save her. Booyah, dat's how I roll'd. Only died 12x!

Edited at 2012-04-29 11:04 am (UTC)
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