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I Can't Smile. - Sauce1977 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I Can't Smile. [Jun. 28th, 2003|08:36 am]
[In the Moment |Blown Out]
[Special Music |More Everclear - For My Wounded Soul]

Turn Away From The Pain You Don't Want. Turn Them Down When They Call.

I Don't Know What's Happened To Me?

I miss my grandmother.

She was my grandmother on my mom's side. She was born in this area and had some sisters. She met my grandfather, and she bore my mother.

She understood me more than anyone in this world has understood me.

When she died in 1997 or so, I lost connection with hope directly in this world.

This was a woman who did not drive. She relied on my grandfather to drive her.

In a local world of automobiles, she didn't drive.

And fuck the world, God's children can go fuck themselves like me.

This is a song about wondering why.

I don't talk about the future because it hasn't mattered for a long time.

I don't talk about the past because if it wasn't fun or good, it doesn't matter.

However, I still miss my grandmother, and I have no recourse for that.

There isn't too much information . . . there is never enough.

However, there are too many people.

Let me share a theory I've had.

The world needs periodic wars. People need to die en mass.

In previous generations we had world wars. As hard and as grisly as it was, that thinned out the population of a lot of penis-carrying members of society and made it necessary to spawn plenty, make the ladies happy, and really gear up for the next mass murdering of ourselves.

Well, now we have tech weapons and quick wars.

There's tons more of us.

Things suck in a different way.

I think it's because about 200,000 or more men haven't died about 25 years after Vietnam in a massive war.

Those 200,000 souls who didn't die spawned. As we've learned from history, our poorest class always fights the physical part of the war because the more wealthy, with exceptions, tend to avoid physical combat.

I do not condone war. I do not condone humanity or life either, even though I love humans and life.

However, things are really f'd up in a weird new beat. We didn't have Bill Gates and Microsoft in 1980, but we have all sorts of digital media because he had a dream.

And it's important to have dreams.

But the fact remains, I wish I could talk to my grandmother right now in the flesh.

I cannot, and it hurts.

No one understood me like her. She was so embarrassing at times but with such good nature. She stopped at nothing to try and find a woman for me. She knew I needed one, and damn if she didn't try quite as she did before she passed into memory.

[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2003-06-28 05:54 am (UTC)


We did have Bill Gates and Microsoft in 1980. The company wasn't world-famous at that time, and that was what I meant.
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[User Picture]From: fruitpunch76
2003-06-28 12:26 pm (UTC)
I know you miss her. I know I can never replace her...but I hope you realize how much I understand and love you.

Still walking with you.....
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[User Picture]From: lilymd
2004-09-29 09:45 pm (UTC)
I feel like this about my grandmother, too. She died a few years back and sometimes it just hits me hard how I can't have her anymore. In my sad and dysfunctional family, she was love and respected me as I am.
It's good you had someone who loved you so much like this--we all need that.
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[User Picture]From: lilymd
2004-09-29 09:47 pm (UTC)
Ok--I know this is an old post, but I saw you added me and I like to check people out first (privacy issues) and see who they are and go back to know them better. I got caught up reading and love what you write.
Added ya back.
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[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2004-09-30 03:28 am (UTC)

Be My Guest!

Thank you for your appreciation!

I was right . . . this was back when I was living in Detroit.

I definitely was drinking. Usually, when I put the Everclear music on . . . that's most definitely a drink and type moment. :D
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[User Picture]From: sauce1977
2004-09-30 03:26 am (UTC)

I wrote this probably a looong time ago, probably during a long night of drinking.

I keep them purposely up and open to all because it's just true for that moment.

They're nice to have back there because I can go back and see what I've thought at different times. :D
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